Fergus responds to the Apple ipad

There's been a lot of fuss in the house recently due to the announcement from Apple Computers of their latest gadget. Finally, yesterday, it was paraded out for all to see, the ipad. A flat A4 sized piece of glass that apparently is the best item of technology ever produced for the home market. Some boast, but I'm not so sure. Yes, with the new ipad you can connect with the internet, navigate around just using your fingertips, read your emails, listen to music, manage your photos, communicate with your social network - whatever that is - and access countless other 'apps' - that's 'applications' to those who are still able to manage a full vocabulary - but can it do anything really useful? Can it follow a scent, can it sound an alarm, can it offer comfort and companionship, and most importantly, can it open a tin of dog food?

The ipad, strange kind of a name, but it got me thinking of a way to I might be able to make a million and provide for my old age. We canines are pretty useful and come with a range of applications. We are cheaper to buy and have a much longer shelf life than any computer. We can learn, and are adaptive to many different situations. And most importantly, we dogs have pads. So why not? Why don't I launch the new, totally original and irreplaceable:

ipaw

Yes, the ipaw, ladies and gentleman, the latest 'must have' gadget. Available in various shapes and sizes to suit your personal taste, but every one is an original masterpiece.

Features:

- Battery life - usually ten years or more.
- Memory size - 100 DB* or more, depending on model. Excellent in dachshunds, although it may be applied selectively.
- Weight - mind your own business.
- Portability - self propelled, except when it is raining.
*DB = doggiebites

Functions:

Browser - the ipaw uses a totally revolutionary browser based on aroma and scent. Using well developed nasal passages, there is nothing that cannot be found by the ipaw. Navigated by not one touch sensitive pad but four on each control stick, otherwise known as legs.

Email - communication is handled via an audible binary code system, one bark for yes, two barks for more, three barks to go out for daily downloads and to search for uploads.

Social networking - Facebook groups can be established via howling at dusk, where invitations are made and accepted by neighbouring networks in the surrounding farms. Twittering, well this is best left to Ella. Myspace, by the fireside if I get there first.

Music - the ipaw music system runs off a the ihowl application, but we must admit to some teething problems.

GPS - ipaw will always get you home for food time.

Apps - the ipaw is the most adaptable and self learning item of equipment you are ever likely to own.

The Fergus ipaw - every one is an original, available in all colours

The Fergus ipaw - also works as a verb when he wants some attention.